Profilectlx.Carlene Tan Li Xuan 11th July 1988. Currently 23+. Studied in St. Anthony's Canossian Primary and Secondary School, SRJC (first 3 months), TPJC, NUS FASS (econs). loves family, friends, chocs, western desserts, yellow, etc etc.
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Wednesday, August 25, 2004hey folks... i'd really wanna apoplogize to those i haven't told my password too... s just wanted to keep the blog undercovered for some time... hehe... yup yup, so sorry ya...hm... my entry's titled goodbye. know why? cause i suppose this is one of the last entries i'm gonna type before my prelims, and perhaps i won't come back until sometime later... don't miss me ya everyone!... =) oh you know, life is really hectic now, i really don't know what's going on. i'm not sure if i'm suffering a burn out. but i highly doubt. i can bet i'm the only one who hasn't started revision. kill me. i don't know why, somehow i don't seem to be able to study. but oh well its all an excuse ain't it.... all i want now is to have the will and determination to study. everything else let it go one step at a time. i don't think i can handle things like i use to be able to last time. somehow i think i might.. just MIGHT fall into depression, however i know i have supportive friends who will not allow me to go that way. Thank you. oh before i say goodbye, i've got a lil msg for a friend. .::= hey friend, i don't know how to tell you this straight, and anyway you won't listen so ya, this msg is for you, although i highly doubt you will ever read it, but here goes. i think its been 4 months or so since i knew you, right? hehe.... honestly, i really am fortunate to realise that you're not someone who will last, or at least that's what i've heard and observed. i realise myself that you don't stay "friends" with someone for more than 4 months, and i suppose the theory has proven to be true, cause we are already drifting apart. Thank goodness i can safely say i won't be affected by the loss of this friendship cause i have already anitcipated it, cause i prepared myself that you would only leave memories, good memories in my life, but definitely not someone i can proudly say "my true friend". i saw how sher "handled" you, and i talked to her about you, and i was right in my thesis. i also saw how my dear friend gave up and sacrificed so much just to keep the friendship between you and her going, but somehow you weren't reciprocating that amount of effort, or should i say you weren't responding the way she had hoped for you to. i won't say its your fault, perhaps its just your nature. i told you you're selfish but i couldn't come out with any concrete evidence, so maybe i didn't have to right to tell you so. do you know why i even bother to keep a friendship with you even though i knew it wouldn't last? well that's because i told myself that i wanted to help you, silly i know, but yes, i told myself that i needed to help you to find someone true, so that if one day you should really fall helpless, you'd know who to turn to, but after talking to you that day, i realise that i didn't have to cause you already have someone, and you have God. so i suppose what i thought i needed to do is pure rubbish. anyway, i'm glad to see you happy, or at least i think you are. i think our 4 months of friendship's gonna end soon, soon... unless of course you're willing to keep it going. =) i guess that's all i wanted to say, you can always look me up if you have any probs, so ya... take care! tata! = ::. Sunday, August 22, 2004hi everyone! i'm finally back! i'm sure you al missed me right? hehe... kidding... i know i'm unmissed. *WAILS*... =)oh just to tell everyone, i don't have to retake chi anymore. somehow or other my mum just listened to me... for once. so now, i'm half cheered up.... anyway thanks peeps for always being there... love ya! *gives everyone a smooch... MUACKS!* by the way, its a wet kiss too... *chuckles* sorry, feeling hyper in the morning as usual. oh well think i gotta a million and one things to pen down here, but somehow its just too much... hm... i guess month just isn't my month. really. honestly i've never ever ever felt soo depressed in my whole entire live that i thought i was actually on the road to being "numb". stupid i know, how can a happy child like me become numb, right? but somehow i really nearly did. that day during erm... lit i think... erm ya, i was playing with the anti-drug abuse collar pin. somehow i just had the urge to play with the sharp part. dumb i know but ya, i was scratching it along my skin and i couldn't feel anything. nothing at all... so i continued. from the upper surface of my arm, down to the underside... i was happily scratching on one hand that i didn't realise i was scartching harder and harder everytime. when i looked at where i scratched i suddenly realise there were marks. as in real red marks. i was appalled by my own action. i was shocked becuase i'm always telling people not to hurt themselves but what was i doing? jeez, i felt really stupid(paiseh can't think of another word for stupid) =). yup so when i finally stopped, i examined my hands and they look awful. disgusting. disfigured. thank goodness its gone away now... well the moral of my story telling you this, is not to encourage anyone to do what i did or what everyone else is now doing, neither is it for you to show concern for me, but it is for you to show concern to the people around you. because i think compared to those people, i'm nothing. my problem is so minute it doesn't matter. i would just like to remind everone that no matter what happens, there WILL be a way out, only if you look for that way, right folks? hehe. yup yup. some people turn to God, which i think its cool. others turn to the people around you, which is also pretty cool. so for those who think that using pen knife is the only way, how bout trying the method of going to God. i'm very sure he's always there waiting for you to turn to him.. right folks? ;) alright, just had to crap. so ya, i'm done. tata! Sunday, August 15, 2004today we had lit mock exam, well for my class at least, it was okay, though i'm not sure i'd pass. so anyway went back for cca, to sorta help out, but sad to say, i found out much more and i found out things i wouldn't want to. but well, i did. and now i'm upset, cos i'm afraid i may have made the wrong decisions, afraid this cca might not hold on. i'm afraid of many other things.so as usual, my busy saturday schedule. trying to keep up with life, then in the car, my mum startde talking bout chinese o's. she WANTS me to retake but i told her NO i won't cos i really wanna concentrate on my other subjecs. but did she listen.NO. so we had a heated argument. she made many threats. she said i wouldn't need to retake if i could assure her i could get all A2s and above for the rest of my subjects, which well based from my mid-year seems far from possible. so anyway i was pissed. manage to share it with my polar bear since she appeared the only 1 available, everyone else was either at church or at to NCO p.o.p. i hope that went well. did it? hm, went for tuition at my dad's aunt's place. it was okay. so that's about all. oh ya! good luck for your games tomorrow polar bear! hope everyone else's day wasn't as sick as mine. Thursday, August 12, 2004the results for our chinese o'level has finally been released, we're like the worst batch in the past 8 years... we did poorly, about 1% below national % passes and whilst national had 23.3% distinctions, our school only achieved 12.1% distinctions. Isn't that sad?well i attained 1 B3, sorta the avg mark actually... i'm disappointed cos i thought i could get an A since chi was one of my better subjects etc etc. but i guess those who feel the worst are those who deproved, and i just wanna tell them that its not the end yet, we shall just all work together harder ya? =) besides the results, and my mum's calling me lousy, i can't really think of anything else to say... ah well, i'm desperately trying to cheer up, which is erm... working? argh! i dunno, shall just end here... Wednesday, August 11, 2004my gosh, you know mdm heng(the chinese teacher) came to tell everyone today that we would get our results... TOMORROW!!! argh!!!!!!! haish sighs....i'm like damn stressed now, but i still can't push myself to study enough... jeez, i think i should just die, save all my problems... hehe kidding, but ya, kinda don't feel like updating right now, feel low... take care all my dear friends.... Tuesday, August 10, 2004hey peeps! went gown hunting with my sis, xue ling, cindy, si hui and mei yi today... well we were suppose to meet at 11.30 initially, at bedok met station, but somehow the only people on time was me, and xue ling, who was super early. and since mei yi was taking way too long, we decided to go to bugis first, which afterward, we got a big scolding from her... hehe... sory girl...so as i was saying, bugis. we went to "just" and the sales people there were lovely. Just the kind of sales people you'd love to meet. they were extremely friendly and helpful. *nods head* excellent service i must say. so first i decided on a t-halter gown. and got stuck in it. as in really stuck. i got my sis to help me but to no avail. in the end the lady at the shop had to help me with it. man, i looked nice. oh at least my friends think so and the ladies at the shop thought so too. (no trying to boast here by the way.) hehe... ;) so each of them tried on something, and i suppose only me and si hui found something suitable. but it was damn ex man. like 189 bucks... *wipes off cold sweat* but oh well, we decided we should do some walking and window shopping before really deciding... next we took a train to city hall... walked the whole of city link to suntec cos cin and mei yi were STARVING. mei yi kept saying she could eat elephants and a thousand cows and if we didn't find someplace to eat soon, she'd just eat the concrete off suntec... so ya, we settled at macs in the end. initially they wanted to eat subway, but poor us just couldn't afford it... so we ate, i had nuggets, finally. i hadn't ate it for goodnes knows how many months... so after filling our lil tummies, we decided to look for the shop "daniel yam". The gowns were quite cool except for the poor service. they practically looked down on us cos we were students! or at least i think so. well here cindy found a halter which suited her. yae! oh and xue ling found something of intrest too... hehe... now only the shoes were of problem.... so anyway our journey continued... no 1 had bought anything... our next stop was raffles city. we stopped by robinsons... nothing of intrest... just walk walk then i was trying to look for something for my polar bear but i just couldn't find anything suitable... so ya... in the end we headed back to "Just" at bugis... there i tried on another gown. the 1 that cindy's wearing if u see the pics in si hui's blog. unfortunately i did take a few picsbut it just didn't turn out.... haish, sorry pple. must of the memory i expect was taken up by me... haish... so i decided to take that as a back up, and it costs 159, so pretty reasonable i suppose... okie, that's all for now, got to give this broadband to my sis... take care everyone.. tata! Friday, August 06, 2004oh you know, till now, i still can't accept that the man who carried so much love and compassion for the school is gone. I can't believe how life would be like without him. I don't know how much longer the school can hold up our already weak discipline. I don't know how we can continue without you mr.quah...today the national day celebration was quite okay, the "marching" went off quite well, as we were leaving, we heard this group of people say, "st. john goos job", which we initially took to be something else. well i suppose our banging and all was quite good, we stood up and swayed and clapped to the songs which followed... the atmosphere was heavy though... then came the tribute for mr.quah. it was touching, it was cool to see the other side of that man of few words. the songs were quite, just right to make people cry, which actually minfeng started, followed by the rest of us, though i didn't cry much. cos again i his death hadn't dawn on me... slow i know, but ya... after changing and everything, we decided to walk opposite to grab some stuff to eat. i bought chocolate! hehe fattening i know, but ya, was hungry lar, then couldn't think of anything else to eat and the chocolate's were just too tempting, so ya, ate that... so now i'm home and i'm pissed. pissed with my silly ignorant crappy brother who think his king cos he's sick... haish... Thursday, August 05, 2004all thanks to this major piece of rubbish that we quarelled... thanks a lot STRANGER, hope this makes you feel happier...i've been trying my ultimate best to not use any vulgar language, but now i can't cos i think u SUCK BIG TIME... just this morning U COWARD didn't appear but instead watched us from a distance didn't you? you damn bitch! now mei yi and cindy quarrelled, happy?! elated?! overjoyed?! huh?! then in class i quarrelled with another friend, now i'm hurt, upset, u happy now? STANGER! READ UP! you're such FUCKING BITCH/BASTARD i don't know why u even exist. maybe u don't have friends to guide you along the correct path, or maybe all you do is just to have sex everyday and think of nothing except to try and arouse people which bloody hell don't work... and mayb all you were meant to be is a devil who just find joy in insulting, humiliating and hurting other people cos you're JEALOUS . and i think maybe all you do in school is to have wet dreams cos you can't even spell SHIT and FUCK. Don't even know whom to use BITCH and BASTARD on... can't even DIFFERENTIATE between a girl and guy, oh cos maybe you're BOTH and masterbate too much to know the difference between gender... and maybe you don't know how much friendship means to us or to anyone cos you DON'T even have a SINGLE FRIEND... you're such a poor pathetic soul i think even scolding you a FUCKING BITCH is an insult to the words... you're such a freaking COWARD u said to meet TWICE and all you dared to do was just stand at a distance to watch... oh but having vent my anger, i feel so bad insulting all those words i used cos it doesn't even describe 0.0000001% of what kind of person you are... so i will sincerly pray daily that God will bless you and not send you to the 18th level of hell when you die, which i pray is SOON, even better NOW! GET OUT OF OUR LIVES STRANGER! GET LOST IF YOU'RE A COWARD! finally, MAY THE LOVING GOD BLESS YOU. not really interested in retelling what happened today cos i'm more overwhlemed with the wake... it was quite okay, i mean mr.quah definitely looked different, he looked sort of plastic... kinda... he looked like he went for lyposuction or something, its just so really different from how he was... but you know what... my tears didn't well up into my eyes, neither me nor mei yi cried... why? because we saw that smile of his on his face... that 1 smile that told us he is indeed in heaven probably playing tennis with God... we knew he is happy right now... and so i didn't cry... many things happened today. many of which i waould like to thank stranger for... that freaking idiot who caused our lives to turn upside down... (read on the next entry for more details) Wednesday, August 04, 2004oh gosh seeee hueee i LOVE your brownies... honestly i think if stanger reads this its gonna get super jealous... hehe oh let me boast for si hui how lovely her hand made brownies are... you know they aren't the kind of ready made flour but as in she really makes them... cool ya? and i think it'll sell like hot cakes if she brings them to the market...okay so today is the first day they're bringing pupils over the mr. quah's wake. i hope nothing really wrong happens and i doubt it, just maybe hysterical crying... i hope i'll be strong when i see him tomorrow.... no i will be... oh this few weeks just ain't going right... everything has a sad end to it... how i wish i was an angel, then i could help make everything right... how i wish i was an angel of life and death, so i can exchange mr. quah's life for someone who doesn't cherish theirs... or mayb even my life for a change... i don't know why but i keep having negative thoughts these days... i really honeslt wonder how much more i can hold up... but i suppose i can attribute it to P.M.S ya? i certainly hope its over soon... oh well jeez u pple reading can just ignore what i've said... as in honestly i sincerely mean it, i'm sure there'll be pple worrying for me, but i'll be fine... if i could hold up for so long i'm sure i can do it for a while longer... so now i suddenly have nothing to say... oh ya, this friday's gonna be so depressing, i mean no more parade... for the first year and my new leader has so much potential... haish... but oh well we can't expect a celebration right... that'll just be too inappropriate... gosh i feel so hyper all of a sudden... hehe playing scissors paper stone online with si hui and charlotte now... keke STRANGER!!! lookie here! let me tell you once again okay... I LOVE MY FRIENDS TOO MUCH TO LEAVE THEM ALONE... ESP MEI YI GET IT?! U STOP IRRITATING PPLE AND THERE WILL BE PEACE... now GET OUT OF OUT LIVES!!!! YOU SUCK BIG TIME!!! Monday, August 02, 2004okau so i do feel a weeee bit better... well actually i don't... no on second thought i feel even heavier after what hppened today...our dear mr quah passed away, he stopped fighting after all, but i'm sure he did fight hard to the very last second. i can't put to words how upset i am, can't put to word the tremendous amount of effort and love he showered upon sac... he WILL stay in our hearts forever... but at least we all now know he's up in heaven, safe with God... actually i'm so sorry bout what happened this morning, if my straight face has caused anyone to be unhappy, uneasy or whatso ever, i really am sorry. i just couldn't keep that poker face, but i'm trying to though... hehe, a lil more time will do the trick... =) thanks for all your concern though people... really appreciated it... *muacks* haish just when i thought i would be a brighter day, people starting falling, injuring themselves, bad news non-stop coming... i wonder when the rainbow will appear... i certainly hope soon... don't you? first anonymous, but the whole thing soon subsided and i thanks God for helping anonymous think things out and thanks anonymous for stoping all these hurting... but now, there's a ridiculously sexual stranger that pops out from god knows where and threatening everyone... and even people that aren't involve! jeez... i really hope God helps it(stranger) to find the right path soon and help it back... to stranger: may god bless you everyday... |